the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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