How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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