I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
