i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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