Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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