Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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