I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
