I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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