were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize