yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
