The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
