After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize