How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
