I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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