Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
