I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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