I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
