I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
