Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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