it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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