I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
