Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
