If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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