I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If I die, sorry about rent.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
