Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize