I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This house was built for laser tag.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
