Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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