my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize