the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This house was built for laser tag.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
