So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
