ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
