so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
