woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
