phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
