i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
