I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
