It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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