It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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