I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
