Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
