Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
