The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
