hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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