I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
