end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
