I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
