my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
