I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
