I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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