imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
