Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just got carded by a ten year old.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
