piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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