I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
