You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
