So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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