My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
