So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
