If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize