I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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