"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
