I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
