I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
