I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
