Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
