I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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