i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
