I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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