I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
