Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
