the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
