I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
