I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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