I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
