New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
